New home!

I’ve been in blog limbo for the past few days. After royally messing up my old layout (still no clue what on Earth I did!) I decided that it was time for a change. A big one. I changed servers, got a domain name, spiffed up my layout andddd tada! Here it is! My new blog.

I’m going to try really hard to bring all of my old posts over here (or at least the ones I really love).

In the meantime, please change your bookmarks to sowwildoats.com!

Is it weird that this makes me feel like a grown up?

 

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argh

I don’t know why my blog is looking all funny. I really want a new layout. Something cute and fun an fresh and clean. But I can’t figure out what I am doing and it’s making me sad and frustrated and I’m sleepy. So…ignore the fact that this blog looks like crap for a moment please. Also, if someone can help me make it all pretty like, I’d really appreciate it =)

The truth about mistakes

“Here’s the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something’s a mistake, you gotta make it anyway.”


It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post based on these truth prompts. Maybe because so many other things have been occupying my thoughts that I didn’t need to be prompted for written material. Now, however, I find myself wanting to write, but not knowing exactly where to start. So the topic I want to write on will wait for now as I continue this 30 Days of Truth project…

 

Day 22 – Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

You know that quote up there? The one about mistakes? I completely agree.

See, I try not to live my life with any sort of regrets. And the best way that I know how, is to go with my heart. I rarely listen to  my brain in those situations that do not involve filling in Scantron sheets. And living a life without a huge amount of regret ultimately means that a few mistakes may be made along the way. And, although no one ever truly wants to make mistakes, they are what connect us as humans. The fact that we’re not perfect. We are all flawed in some way.

I’ve been thinking lately, as I drive up and down the snow-covered streets watching people shovel out their sidewalks and driveways, that snow makes us human. If you don’t understand, just watch someone shovel for a few minutes. They breathe heavily, wipe their forehead, adjust their gloves and hats, accidentally throw snow in their shoveling-partner’s face. They huff and puff and get the best workout of their life without ever going to the gym. They’re real. For a moment, those lawyers and bankers and doctors are not invincible.

They’re human.

We’re all human. We all make mistakes. But should we regret those mistakes? Should we wish that we hadn’t made those mistakes in the first place?

I can’t speak for anyone else, but, for myself, I honestly don’t think so.

There isn’t one thing that I can think of that I sincerely wish I hadn’t done in my life besides the trivial things. Like, for instance, I wish I hadn’t spent $10 on that supposedly amazing mascara that makes my lashes clump instead of giving them 90% more volume as advertised. Everything that I’ve done in my life has led me to where I am at this very moment. And although I’m not perfectly content, although I’m antsy and restless, although I don’t have it all figured out yet, I’m learning. I’m growing. Everyday I’m finding out more about myself by making these mistakes.

Like, for instance, I can bat my eyelashes perfectly fine without mascara.


Day 23 – Something you wish you had done in your life.

I think that I’ll answer this question when I’m 95.

A fashionista’s reason for liking winter

Hats!

Just a few of my choice favorites include:

This is what a snow day will do to ya!

Sex dreams and secrets

I woke up this morning, gasping for breath. I didn’t know where I was or who I was with. I opened one eye, then two and surveyed my surroundings.

There was my clock, ticking away obnoxiously on the wall.

There was my laptop, perched on my dresser, begging to be opened.

There was my window, the blinds of which I’d left open last night to watch the snow falling as I tried to get some kind of happiness from it.

I was under my pink comforter, laying on my pink and brown sheets in my room.

And I was alone.

Phew! It had just been a dream.

Albeit, a sexy, hot, toe curling dream. But a dream, nonetheless.

Then I remembered who it was about and I groaned.

Oh noooo… I thought to myself. Please do not let him be creeping back into my thoughts.

But he did and he is. He is there like this fungus that I just can not get rid of no matter how much lotion I put on it or pills I take. And he’s itchy. Like a rash. He’s an itchy fungal rash that creeps up on me when I least expect it and completely throws me off of my game.

Now I have thoughts of The Fling running through my head . . . and I really don’t know what to do about it.

For three months, he consumed the majority of my thoughts. We met, we both got a crush, it took awhile but we finally got together, it was great for awhile and then BAM! We cut communication and I forced him out of my mind. For the most part.

But now he is back. And stronger than ever. Which is really weird and unfortunate, because I  have no idea what to do to get him out of there. It’s also unfortunate because I never even thought he’d be in there in the first place.

You see, when I first met him, I didn’t even like him. Mostly because I felt that someone like him would never like someone like me. But he did. And for a short moment in time, I could have sworn he liked me far more than I liked him.

While I was in it, I thought to myself that it would never amount to anything, so I tried not to get attached. But despite our differences, we worked. And I, against my better judgment, fell for him. I couldn’t help but be sucked in by his rough exterior and caring heart. I fell for his crooked smile and kind eyes. I loved the fact that I made him nervous. That he stammered when he asked for my number the first night we met. I made him nervous but the truth was that he made me nervous too. He was a blue collar mountain man. He was new and fresh and exciting. And for some reason, we just made sense.

One day, we were driving in his truck, trying to find a place to eat. He grabbed my hand as he weaved through cars and I let in a sharp breath. I felt electricity. Sparks. It had only happened to me once before, and I never imagined it would have happened with him. But it did. And I knew from that moment on that no matter how much I didn’t want to get in deep with him, my fate was sealed. I was doomed.

The last time I saw him I was leaning against my car. He was kissing me, asking me to call him later on that night.

Everything was fine for the next few days until he began to blame being busy on not being able to see me. Conversations got weird. Mainly stemming from the fact that I wouldn’t accept being busy as a valid reason for not being able to see me. It just didn’t fly with me. I’d ask him to get together. He’d evade the question. Say he cared about me. I’d drop it.

I began to get nervous. Was this already the end? It wasn’t fair! I had just admitted to myself that I had fallen for him, and now it was going to be taken away?

There was nothing I could do. I tried to make contact. He told me the first free day he had would be all for me.

And then I didn’t hear from him for a month.

When he contacted me back in September, I thought that he may have had a change of heart. That he really had just been too stressed out to be with me and take care of what he needed to do in his life. But I was completely fooled. And it hurt. More than I ever expected it to.

So I tried to REALLY move on. I went on dates. I had sex. I worked out. I changed my hair. I went shopping. And for awhile I thought the itchy fungus had left the building.

It did not.

The last time we talked was a very brief text in October, just checking in with each other. When I never heard from him after that, I deleted all traces of him from my phone.

Be strong! I told myself. Like bull!

Well, I call my bullshit. I’m not strong. I’m weak. But I do have my pride. And someday I will have to see him again. And on that day, I do not want to be known as the girl who wouldn’t let it die. So I let it die with him, but not in my mind.

And I guess the only thing that really matters is that he doesn’t know…

…right?

Right?

Help?

The one where he wore a tie

I had a date the other night. With a boy who is 5 years my junior. Who is, coincidentally, still a junior in college. I feel like a cougar in training. Like I’m Stella, gettin’ her groove back!

Truth be told, I wasn’t really interested in dating the guy in the first place. I only spoke to him while we were out at a bar because my friend was talking to his friend. But we began to chat and I have this nasty little habit of being super flirty and sweet to boys that I don’t really like, and being a huge wretched bitch to boys that I do like.

I’m royally f’d up in the head. If you’ve been reading for awhile, you should know this by now.

Anyway, I gave him my phone number, not thinking much of it, and went on my merry way at the end of the night (with a quick pit-stop at his hotel room which resulted in nothing more than a few minutes of music listening. Hand on heart!)

A few days later, I received a text message from him asking if he could call me to set up a date.

I tried to remember exactly what I felt about him when I’d been talking to him. Was I completely disgusted? No, certainly not. He was a nice guy. So, what would the harm be, really? I am not one to turn down a date, so I told him that that would be fun.

A few days later, he called me. He picked up the phone, took initiative and asked me out.

I really couldn’t say no, now. No one has picked up the phone, in lieu of texting, to ask me on a date in a year and a half.

He followed up. He made sure we were still on for the select day.

I liked it. It showed that he really wanted this to happen.

He offered to drive over an hour to see me. Over an hour to go on one little dinner date.

The last guy I dated would have never driven anywhere had I not asked him to.

He showed up wearing a suit jacket, tie, skinny black pants and vans.

I, as the girl, felt completely under-dressed in my sweater from Forever 21 and riding boots.

He picked me up and drove to the restaurant I selected.

We chatted about what he wants to do with his life and where I’ve been with mine.

He paid.

We went for drinks afterward.

I was worried that I was wrong about his age, but he was able to get into the bar.

He found me a stool to sit on.

He got my Yuengling.

My friend was at the bar.

They chatted.

He got her a stool as well.

It was nice.

We got along.

He asked questions.

He seemed genuinely interested.

As he drove me back home, I knew I wasn’t going to kiss him.

Not a single, solitary bone in my body felt like that would be the right thing to do.

He made no move to. He was fine with a hug.

He texted when he got home.

He was nice and sweet and genuine. He was nervous and awkward. He lacked the contamination and general aura of asshole that so many guys my age, and older, have. Everything seems new and exciting to him. It’s refreshing.

I wish I could keep him around for that refreshment alone. But, alas, life is complicated and I’m no spring chicken. I’ve been hurt and I don’t want to hurt him. So if he asks me out again, what’s the best way to go about saying that I don’t feel romantically towards him? Because, I don’t. At all.

I’ve done it wrong in the past and I don’t want to do it again.

Dear me

Dear Amanda circa 2006,

You’re fragile. So fragile that it hurts me to even write this. You’re timid and scared and because of this you close yourself off to possibilities. You’re still terrified of the unknown. You’re hiding a passion for life deep inside of your soul, and it has yet to come out.

It will soon. And when it does, you’ll be amazed at what you do.

You worry about feeling. Or lack thereof. You worry because you’ve never felt strongly enough about anyone to be truly hurt. Your fear hasn’t let you get that far.

Be strong. Have faith. Things will change soon.

Soon, your life will take a new path because you will slowly start to realize that you don’t belong on the road you’re on.

Soon, you will begin to lead a healthier life.

Soon, much sooner than you realize, you will meet an amazing man who will break down your walls and make you feel. Just feel.

He will also be the first man to ever truly make you cry. Buckets. Rivers. You think that it’ll never stop. It will.

You’ll cry, but you’ll be stronger. I can tell you this now because I’ve lived through it. You’ve lived through it. At the time you will believe that it will never get better. That you will always hurt. That your wound will never heal and your heart will never mend. That you’ll never ever be able to love again.

Time, my sweet, dear child, really will prove to heal your wound. And break it open again, I’m afraid. But it’ll all be worth it. Someday.

Time will also prove to bring you amazing opportunities. You’ll take a risk starting school again. You’ll throw away a career that is making you a fabulous amount of money and trade it in to sit in a classroom. Half of the time you’ll want to scream at the top of your lungs. You don’t get much sleep. You live off of caffeine.

You’ll get through that too. And you’ll emerge wiser and more driven than you ever could have believed you would be. You’ll want to quit a hundred times before it’s over, but you won’t. You’ll stick it out and be brilliant. You’ll shine.

Friends will come and a few may go. I think you already know who the ones that will go are. And because of this, it won’t really hurt as much. You’ll become closer with a few people in your life and you’ll meet some wonderful new people that will bring such an abundance of knowledge and life experience to the table that you’ll be so thankful to have met them.

You’ll go on adventures. You’ll be crazy and daring. You’ll swim in beautiful oceans and eat delicious meals in breathtaking locations. Buy a nice camera. Take lots of pictures. You’ll want these memories forever.

I want you to remember something. Take these words and put them in your back pocket. Even forget about them for awhile. When you need to remember them, they will be there. I want you to remember that you’re not as frail as you think. You’re much tougher than you give yourself credit for. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you’re not worth it. Don’t ever hold back with what you feel you need to say. Because life is way too short and people can be cruel without realizing it. If someone’s hurt you, let them know. Don’t pretend it doesn’t sting. Your feelings are real and important and true. Feel them. Express them. Live them.

Live.

You’re too young and vibrant not to.

XX

A

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