My third truth: forgiveness

Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for.

When I was in high school I wanted nothing more than to be out of high school. I’m not quite sure why it was so torturous for me. Maybe it was because I wasn’t part of the “cool crowd.” Come to think of it, I wasn’t really part of any crowd at all. I had a few good friends, who I’m still close with today, but I was never totally comfortable in school. The girls were catty and the guys were…well…I live in Jersey so you can only imagine what the guys were like. My high school was comprised of upper middle class, second and third generation Italians. Many of my classmates got BMWs and Mercedes when they turned 17. I was lucky if my parents let me drive around their 1992 two-door Saturn.

I didn’t take full advantage of the high school experience out of fear. Fear of what, you ask? I guess a mixture of things. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of being made fun of for one reason or another. Fear of not having anything interesting or worthwhile to say.

I went through high school with my eyes down and my fingers crossed, hoping that no one would bother me. It’s such a shame that I didn’t take more advantage of my youth. I know that it’s so cliche but…if I only knew then what I know now…

If I only knew that most people are good at heart and are not out to get you, I would have relished my high school days. I would have talked to more people, gone to more events, and finished with much more knowledge about myself as a person.

It seems as thought my early 20s were used for this instead. Not that I’m complaining, but I don’t think that I’ve ever really forgiven myself for not taking part in the whole high school experience.  These days, I have loads of amazing friends and have been through many experiences that have shaped me and made me the person I am today. I just wish I’d experienced some of them a hell of a lot sooner.

So, what do I have to forgive myself for? For wasting my high school days away and for being the girl that most people probably forgot even graduated with them.

That’s okay, Amanda. I forgive you.


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