Quote of the day

“If you’re brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.”

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Snow bunny

I am not a person that enjoys cold weather. I don’t like having to bundle up and getting red cheeks and numb fingers. I’m a shorts, tank top and flip flops kinda girl. I like just being able to get up and go. I hate having to worry about how many layers I need to wear. I know part of the fun of the winter is being cozy, but I just can’t be bothered. In fact, I nearly shed a tear when I put my shorts away for the season.

Last year, taking photos made winter a bit more bearable.

 

This year, I decided to take on what I have talked about doing every single year since I can remember.

This year, I’m doing something on my bucket-list.

This year, I’m learning how to snowboard.

Now, if you’ll recall, this guy right here wanted to teach me how to snowboard. Things did not work out with him, but it really planted the seed in my head and it hasn’t left. My only hope is that I don’t run into him on the local mountain, because although last time we talked we considered ourselves friends, I really don’t want him seeing me make a fool of myself. If we had still been dating, it would have been cute for him to teach me and help me when falling. Now, it would just be embarrassing.

My friend L and I decided that we would learn together. Our first order of business, of course, was to go shopping. Our friend K, who has been skiing for years, joined us in our shopping adventure, where I made some lovely purchases. We figured that if we’re going to be falling on our asses, we might as well at least look cute doing so!

On my shopping adventures, I purchased this super comfy, warm Roxy jacket which is just chock-full of pockets and buttons and zippers. I have no idea what most of them are for, but K said it was a good jacket, so I trusted her.

Then I got these rad pants since I always have to be color-coordinated.

Then I got a hat.

And goggles.

And gloves.

And a snowboard.

OK, maybe not a snowboard. That would be a foolish purchase since I don’t even know if I am any good at it. But, I used to skateboard so I feel like I have that on my side?

Maybe?

Kinda?

Fingers and toes are crossed for no broken…fingers and toes.

Oh, and the really big plus? How hot are snowboarders?!

Thankfully…

I love that I spent Thanksgiving taking Polaroids, listening to the Misfits with my cousin, online shopping with my aunt and singing along to Beatles songs with my parents. Now I’m switching back and forth between watching the Taylor Swift special and the Jets game. What can I say? I have an eclectic lifestyle. And thankfully my family is oober awesome and lets me be me. Whoever the heck that is. I love them. I’m thankful to have them.

Gobble gobble, kiddies.

Lonely??

“I’m so lonely, Amanda! I mean I have a lot of people around me but I’m still so lonely. Are you in the same boat?”

I woke up to the above text message from my dear friend, H, who I wrote about briefly in this post. She is currently going through a tough time. She is in complete and total love with someone whom she can never, ever physically be with for religious reasons. She’s currently trying to put space between them, but it’s hard because they work together. They used to speak on the phone every day after work (usually starting as work conversations, but then going into other life topics).  I feel for her because I know all too well what it’s like to want to be with someone so badly, but not be able to. It’s a terrible feeling.

It makes you feel lonely.

I looked at my phone for a few moments as I sat at a traffic light on my way to work. And I thought to myself. I really thought to myself.

Am I lonely???

Would having a boyfriend make me feel like I was wanted? Desired? Yes, of course. I always enjoy going out more when I know that I’m not looking around the bar at possible love interests. It makes me a bit lighter on my feet to know (or. . .think) that there is someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them. I love the whole courting process. The butterflies, the first kisses, the dreamy-eyed stares. Yes, look up cheesy romantic in the dictionary and you will find me! But, does not having those things at this moment make me feel alone?

I’m surrounded by amazing friends who are just as frustrated with dating as I am. I have just as many single friends as I do attached friends.  I have a loving, supportive family. I have a full calendar and wonderful opportunities coming my way.

So, after debating about it for awhile, I realized that, no. I’m not lonely per say. Okay, maybe I don’t have someone to cuddle and watch movies with. Maybe  I still have to look around nervously while at weddings, wondering who I’ll dance with when a slow song plays. This Valentine’s Day I will probably once again be going out with girlfriends, drinking wine and eating chocolate.  But, I’ve been doing this for awhile. I’ve kind of got it down. My flings and relationships have never stood the test of time, so I’ve learned to become a pretty good single girl. I just smile when family members ask me if there is someone special in my life. “Sure,” I respond as I rattle off my parents or friends. When my grandmother tells me it’s time for me to get married, I pat her hand and say “Someday, nonna. Someday.”

I’m not lonely. I’d love to have a guy in my life. It would make me happy. But I can’t define my loneliness by if I have a male in my world. It can affect my mood and make me sad from time to time, but it can’t and won’t change the fact that I’m already surrounded by love.

And when you’re surrounded by love, how can you be alone??

4 for the price of one

Day 09 – Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
My friend K.

I don’t really think I need to explain it. It’s just one of those things that happens…No hard feelings. Just a case of growing apart.

Day 10 – Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
I am pretty sure I’ve let all of the severely negative people in my life go. And that’s what I really needed to do. It was hard and sad, but therapeutic. It’s not healthy to be surrounded by people that bring you down. It took me 21 years to learn this. Better late than never.

Day 11 – Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
My eyes.

Day 12 – Something you never get compliments on.
My non-existent ass.

 

My answers to these were very lame. I apologize. I stink lately.

What my friends really think of me

Got this picture in the middle of class today.

I love my friends dearly.

Secretly, I think I’d make an awesome clown, too.

The truth about getting hurt

I’m doing terrible with these truths! There always seems to be other things that I’d like to talk about. But, since I’ve been sitting here writing and deleting posts for about a half an hour now, I decided it was time for another edition of The Truths. I’m now on day eight and the topic isssss (drumroll….)

Day 08 – Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I know that talking about a certain male here would be taking the easy way out . . . but . . . what can I say? I’m kind of lazy today. And, also, it’s the complete and total truth. No one has ever hurt me as badly as The One. No one’s made me cry for a month straight except for him. No one’s treated me with less respect than he has. The day he walked out of my life, I knew deep down in my gut that I would never see him again, but I didn’t think he’d actually end things cold turkey. I thought that, possibly he’d have the decency to explain himself to me. To tell me why he didn’t want to make things work. To wish me well, like I wished for him. To thank me for the countless hours spent driving him around, the dinners my family bought for him, the little gifts I’d give him for no reason.

Instead, I got silence.

I wrote a letter. I said everything that I needed to say. I thought he’d at least have the decency to respond to that.

Crickets.

When you’re young, you tend to think you’re invincible. When you’re a  fairly attractive, well-put together girl, you don’t ever fathom the possibility that you could be dumped. That someone could NOT want to be with you. And then you are, and your world gets completely flipped upside down. You begin to realize that even if you think something is going wonderfully, the other person might feel the exact opposite. You learn not to believe everything you’re told. You wonder if what he’d been whispering in your ear for months was a complete and total lie. You begin to question your looks, your intellect, your faith in love.

And then, somewhere along the way, you start to heal. Your daily thoughts begin to get filled by other things. You no longer replay conversations that you had with him in your head. You’re too busy for that. Maybe you meet someone new and exciting and different. Maybe you decide that you’d rather be single for awhile and play the field. Maybe you dive head-first into a huge project at work or in school. Whatever the case, you move the hell on.

The person treated you like shit, they hurt your pride, they made you cry, but you decide that you have to let them go. Because, someday, you will meet someone who would never want to make you anything but happy.

It took me a whole, entire year to completely get over him. To stop wishing that he’d change his mind and show up at my door. But it happened. I fell for other guys. I got hurt again. But I trudge along, because what else am I supposed to do? You have to take risks in life, or you would never get what you want. It makes me think of the poem “To Risk” by William Arthur Ward.

“To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
The pessimist complains about the wind;
The optimist expects it to change;
And the realist adjusts the sails.”

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