Funky McFunkster

I’ve been in a funk.

There, I’ve said it.

It’s the funkiest kind of funk. It’s the kind of funk where you’re not exactly sure why you’re in the funk to begin with. The kind of funk where people ask you what’s wrong and you just shrug and say “I honestly have no idea.”

I mean, I guess I have a little bit of an idea, but to type it or say it aloud feels silly.

Maybe I’ll say it anyway. Maybe I’ll just write and get it out and it’ll be free and open and out there and, hopefully, I can get some advice. Some words of wisdom. Some “there there’s.” Because, really, who doesn’t need a “there there” every once in awhile?

I’ve been in love once. But I’ve truly cared about a handful of guys. I’ve never been in a relationship lasting over a year. Truthfully, my longest one lasted eight months. It sounds so pathetic to admit when I have friends who have been in relationships for close to five years or more. Every guy I get close to, cuts it off with me in one way or another. Here’s what I know. I know that I can attract a guy. I know that I can physically present myself in a way that gets a guy looking. I know when to smile cute and when to tease and pull back just enough so that they are interested in knowing more.

In the beginning, it usually works something like this. I’m not sure about the guy for one reason or another, but I spend more time with him because, for some reason, I’m intrigued. Then, it starts. He’s paying me attention, and I like it. He’s interesting and new and different, and I like it. I’m attracted. I get excited. I can’t sleep. I step over the bridge from not being sure about someone to admitting that, yes, I do like him. (Once I step over that bridge, I never, ever go back.) I talk to him frequently, but don’t suffocate. When I feel like suffocating, I talk to friends, instead. I show my affection for him, I let him talk, I answer his questions, I tease when I feel appropriate. He usually talks about the future and what we’ll do together. And then, just when I feel like I can trust this person. Just when I think that I may have found something real, it vanishes. Sometimes instantaneously. Sometimes slowly fizzling. But, the fact of the matter is that when I finally let myself fall, it has always, up to this point, led to my feelings being hurt.

I don’t mean to sound all sorry for myself. I don’t mean to make myself out to be the victim. I know that I have definitely broken a heart or two in my 26 years on Earth. But I also know that I would never let myself get to the point that many of these men let relationships get to, if I wasn’t truly invested in the person. I know that to be invested you have to get to know the person, but if I went on, oh let’s say six or seven dates with someone and then decided that I really was not interested, I would talk with him. I’d explain why I no longer wanted to see him in the romantic capacity. I wouldn’t just simply stop talking to him, leaving him to wonder what he could have possibly done wrong.

Because now, here I sit. The one left alone. Wondering what the hell I am doing wrong. Wondering, am I just . . . unlovable? They’ve called me gorgeous and amazing and unlike any other girl they’d met before. They’ve said they get lost in my eyes and that I’m smart and sassy and they like it. But they don’t stay. They never stay.

I feel like, if I was in a long-term serious relationship that broke up because both partners were in mutual agreement that it wasn’t working out, I wouldn’t be feeling this kind of hurt and confusion. Even if I got dumped years into a relationship, at least I’d know that I had been loved for more than just my body or the way I look. I would be such a damn good girlfriend, I know that I would.

I have been.

I want to be again.

I’m rambling and probably sound pathetic, but I can’t help it. These are my feelings and if I can’t be honest in my journal, then where the hell can I be honest?

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. jo
    Nov 10, 2010 @ 21:24:56

    you don’t sound pathetic at all. you sound like a girl who has slowly and cautiously opened up her heart to guys before, thinking that she could trust them and hoping not to get hurt only to face the disappearing act that guys sometimes do and get hurt. it sucks. but i think it happens to a lot of girls. you’re not unlovable. believe that you are amazing like everyone says. these guys just weren’t people good enough.

    Reply

    • Wild Oats
      Nov 13, 2010 @ 08:12:53

      Thank you for the kind words, Jo. I have to keep thinking positive! It’s hard not to get down on yourself when you start to see a trend happening in your love life, but I have to realize that each situation was unique and that the reasons for what happened are different in each case. It’s hard to remember that not everything is always my fault!

      Reply

  2. amber
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 18:19:38

    I know just how you feel. I’ve had relationships where, just as I feel I can let go and trust, he pulls away without any real explanation and I’m left mystified. It sucks.

    I always try to tell myself that sometimes, even if they enjoy each other, people aren’t meant to be. And hey, if I can enjoy/love a guy who bails, I can only imagine how I’ll feel when one sticks around.

    🙂 Feel better.

    Reply

    • Wild Oats
      Nov 13, 2010 @ 08:11:00

      Hi Amber! Hate that you’ve gone through it too, but isn’t it good to know that you’re not alone?? I guess it happens to way more people than I realize, but I just worry that it’s always going to happen to me. I mean, it’s happened three times already! It just doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon =(

      Oh well, I guess best thing I can do is keep on keeping on and hope that love finds me sooner rather than later (but I’ll even take the later at this point!!)

      Reply

  3. G/W
    Nov 14, 2010 @ 01:30:13

    You don’t sound pathetic at all. Aren’t we all like that?
    We’re all at different stages- some of us haven’t ever been with a guy, some of us have but the mentality is still there…
    “I would be such a damn good girlfriend, I know that I would.”
    Because we are humans and we need companionship, we need a mate. Feeling desperate because we can’t find one is normal. It’s worse when we want them and they don’t want us because the feeling of rejection is always there- it’s inherent. The important thing is to not let it take over your life and think it’s your fault or something like that. Don’t blame yourself for it. There are so many reasons why men pull the fade, it would take us forever to contemplate why they do the things they do.
    I can’t say that you’ll definitely find someone soon but find conviction in the fact that yes, you would make a damn good girlfriend to someone who deserves it.

    Reply

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