Lonely??

“I’m so lonely, Amanda! I mean I have a lot of people around me but I’m still so lonely. Are you in the same boat?”

I woke up to the above text message from my dear friend, H, who I wrote about briefly in this post. She is currently going through a tough time. She is in complete and total love with someone whom she can never, ever physically be with for religious reasons. She’s currently trying to put space between them, but it’s hard because they work together. They used to speak on the phone every day after work (usually starting as work conversations, but then going into other life topics).  I feel for her because I know all too well what it’s like to want to be with someone so badly, but not be able to. It’s a terrible feeling.

It makes you feel lonely.

I looked at my phone for a few moments as I sat at a traffic light on my way to work. And I thought to myself. I really thought to myself.

Am I lonely???

Would having a boyfriend make me feel like I was wanted? Desired? Yes, of course. I always enjoy going out more when I know that I’m not looking around the bar at possible love interests. It makes me a bit lighter on my feet to know (or. . .think) that there is someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them. I love the whole courting process. The butterflies, the first kisses, the dreamy-eyed stares. Yes, look up cheesy romantic in the dictionary and you will find me! But, does not having those things at this moment make me feel alone?

I’m surrounded by amazing friends who are just as frustrated with dating as I am. I have just as many single friends as I do attached friends.  I have a loving, supportive family. I have a full calendar and wonderful opportunities coming my way.

So, after debating about it for awhile, I realized that, no. I’m not lonely per say. Okay, maybe I don’t have someone to cuddle and watch movies with. Maybe  I still have to look around nervously while at weddings, wondering who I’ll dance with when a slow song plays. This Valentine’s Day I will probably once again be going out with girlfriends, drinking wine and eating chocolate.  But, I’ve been doing this for awhile. I’ve kind of got it down. My flings and relationships have never stood the test of time, so I’ve learned to become a pretty good single girl. I just smile when family members ask me if there is someone special in my life. “Sure,” I respond as I rattle off my parents or friends. When my grandmother tells me it’s time for me to get married, I pat her hand and say “Someday, nonna. Someday.”

I’m not lonely. I’d love to have a guy in my life. It would make me happy. But I can’t define my loneliness by if I have a male in my world. It can affect my mood and make me sad from time to time, but it can’t and won’t change the fact that I’m already surrounded by love.

And when you’re surrounded by love, how can you be alone??

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